People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
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If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
buys donuts instead
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.