*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
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You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
I’m calling the cops.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target