@ComedicBust: People are always coming up to me and asking me, "How'd you do it? What's your secret? How'd you gain so much weight so fast?"
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@TheTweetOfGod: NEW EXPRESSIONS "Kanye bless you." "Kanye damn it!" "One nation, under Kanye." "Thank Kanye Almighty!" "The Kanyefather, Part II"
@Tommytoughstuff: [first day as a police sketch artist] ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
@AlexvanBeek: Imagine how much more useful Superman would've been if he'd helped people move their heavy furniture instead.