@ComedicBust: People are always coming up to me and asking me, "How'd you do it? What's your secret? How'd you gain so much weight so fast?"
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@TheAlexNevil: *watching an old Lassie show Me: How come you can't do those things? Dog (mutters): If we had a well I'd push you into it.
@AaronFullerton: Making a list of all the people who wrote "Happy Birthday" on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who's secretly mad at me.
@SondraDeeMe: BF: Aren’t you ashamed? ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant? BF: No ME: Because I ate a large pizza? BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
@KeetPotato: [guy driving the same kia waves as he passes us] son: why did that man wave at you me: because we've both made the same mistakes in life son