Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
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Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.