@jackmackenroth: People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
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@mikefossey: Guy: I'll pay for my coffee and the guy behind me Me: hi thanks can I get a large coffee with 85 espresso shots
@murrman5: [commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
@ixix82: Me: "Relax. Make conversation, let them get to know you." Also Me: "The longest tape worm ever found inside a human body was 82' in length."
@iGreenMonk: I can always tell when someone is lying by tying them down and strapping them to a lie detector.