People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
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Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Every. Damn. Time.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*