People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
You Might Also Like
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type