People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
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Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.