@jwoodham: People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
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@birbigs: One way to tell if what you're watching isn't really news is if the person is shouting at you.
@isabelzawtun: My mom: you're an adult and you need to start acting like one! Also my mom: what do you mean you don't want an Easter basket this year
@weinerdog4life: When I tell my wife I'm gonna have to work late she knows it's code for I was playing with super glue and I'm stuck to my desk again.