@jwoodham: People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
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@joci2203: Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss? Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why? Cop:Lol, nevermind
@ericsshadow: The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he's 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
@RamblingMachine: The worst part of having to kiss someone is when the coffin lid falls and hits you in the head.
@crayan9: I don't mind when people make kitchen jokes about women, but when they make jokes about women driving... Well that's when I run you over