People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
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if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Is fructose made with real fruct?
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.