People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
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Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.