People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
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Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?