People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
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[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable