People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
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[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal