People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
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The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Only Americans understand
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download