We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
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My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
Perfection.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..