@BigPlanetEarth: People are like books. You can't judge them by the outside and it's not cool to burn a big pile of them.
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@imdaintyaf: Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
@erikbransteen: Kanye West tweeted that Bieber's 'What Do You Mean?' was 2015's best song. The "...which wouldn't happened without me" tweet coming soon.
@eddiesteadyno: at library ME: This book wasn't helpful at all! LIBRARIAN: Why? What's the problem? BIRD: [mockingly] "Why? What's the problem?"
@shutupmikeginn: Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog