@ConcernedSirGuy: People are like, "How cute! Your dog looks just like you!" I'm like, "That's my son."
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@bugbucket: wonder why's theres a pizza laying here in the middle of the woods *eats it* *dies 82 years later* dammit it was a trap
@SwirlySkittles: Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want- Him: Stop singing to the mustard Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
@RoosterMustache: My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they're like "hey thanks" and I'm like "I'm just happy to be a part of this nice community"
@bakedbrotatoes: -This is my son Michelangelo. -Oh, like the artist. -Um no like the Ninja Turtle.