People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
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[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.