People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
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This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.