Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
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I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.