@thejessbess: People are like, "Jess, can you give me some advice?" & I'm like, "K, don't get kidnapped."
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@DamienFahey: If Leonardo da Vinci posted the Mona Lisa on Instagram today, it would get 30 likes, tops.
@Lpbinder: People who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that. Thank you for asking.
@WilliamRodgers: Me: Happy Easter! Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It's all a lie! Me: The Jesus thing? Taylor Swift: Ya... Men don't come back after 3 Days!
@That_Damn_Duck: Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.