@sofarrsogud: 4 AM BLADDER: Get up. You need to go STOMACH: And you're hungry BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We'd have to move there

@maughammom: I'd say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we're not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..

@junejuly12: If my boss knew I rated him "needs improvement" in last night's sex dream, he probably wouldn't have been so nice to me today.

@JamesMelville: Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.

@fillthevacuum: "Spring is in the air" I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.