Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
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When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
For anyone who needs this today
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
Succinctly put.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
and now we wait
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.