People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
You Might Also Like
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
just got my engagement photos
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
and now we wait
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.