Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
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Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
*seductively corrects your posture*
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography