People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
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I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes