People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
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It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
Breaking news:
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks