Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
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*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”