People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
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Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
Who’s your best friend?
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
How animals would run if they were human
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich