People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
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(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
new shirt idea