People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
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I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Mistakes were made
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too