People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
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When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.