so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
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If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
nobody’s gonna understand
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”