@KevinFarzad: People are often shocked when I tell them I'm single because I scream it at them while sliding open their shower curtain.
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@TheHyyyype: ME: people only use 10% of their brains FRIEND: that's an urban legend ME: no it's not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
@Storminika: Can't afford Sea World, so I took my kid to a fish market. Me: 'Shhh, they're asleep' 'Mom, they're breaded' Me: 'That's their blankie'
@peeznuts: *standing behind home plate* -Beware of my dog-like reflexes. -Shouldn't it be cat-like reflexes? *catches baseball with my face*