So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
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Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
October already? What’s next? November????
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show