People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
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Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan