People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
You Might Also Like
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
How dramatic are you?
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.