People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
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Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
channeling her this year
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”