People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
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I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.