@FilthyRichmond: People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don't worry about it!
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@jazmasta: [running from a knife wielding murderer] oh hell yeah, my Fitbit steps are gonna be OFF THE SCALE today
@SortaBad: "I'm dreaming about mashed potatoes" Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow "No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual"
@protolalia: It's sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it'll be another 2-5 years before they're single and ready to hang out again.
@SteveKoehler22: Why do they say "break a leg !" to actors ? If you said "tear an ACL !" to a star athlete, you'd be shot on the spot.