People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
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Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.