“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
You Might Also Like
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name