I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
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The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
I bet birds love this building.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long