@Jesssicle: People are writing condolences on my Grandma's Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
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@mjkspeaks: ME: [waking up from nap] HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
@dhumann: Flight Attendant: "Here is the extra blanket you asked for." Me: "Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy's mouth?"
@rsynder336x2: Wife: Can you fix this, the holes too big for the thingy majingy? Me: Hey I know how it feels! Hahaha! *And then I regained consciousness
@Shock_Monster: Nurse: Your name, please? Me: Dr. Feelgood. Nurse: ... Me: ... Nurse: You're not a Dr. are you? Me: No, I won't make you feel good, either.