@Jesssicle: People are writing condolences on my Grandma's Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
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@kerihw: Scientist: But WHY is the bee population dying? Scientist: No idea. *eats bee* Scientist: Did you just eat a bee? Scientist: *eats bee* No.
@ArfMeasures: [After winning an award] HOST: Is there anyone you'd like to thank? ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
@jennfer46: A policeman just knocked on my door and said my dogs were chasing people on bikes... My dogs don't even own bikes..