@Jesssicle: People are writing condolences on my Grandma's Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
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@charrrllaa: If anyone finds 786 barely used tubes of Chapstick around my city, they're mine. I need them all back.
@LostFelicia: The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn't want to cruise with me again) many.
@XplodingUnicorn: 4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs? Me: Would you eat them if they were? 4: No! Me: 4: Unless I had ketchup.
@rmfnord: "Release the Kraken!" ... "Well?" "We released him. He just took off. It's not like he was trained or anything." ... "Release the tuna!"