That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
You Might Also Like
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers