@specialhug: People ask me the secret of a good tweet. It's called "proof-reading". Perhaps you've hard of it
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@Colleen1913: Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don't visit you!
@BuckyIsotope: *spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time* *girlfriend sighs* "Just take off the mittens" MY HANDS ARE COLD
@iwearaonesie: me: Go back! uber driver: Did I miss the turn? me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]