Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
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When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Body by sandwich.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
#parenting
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.