Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
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*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
when there are deer in the woods
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.