Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
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[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.