@DanRegans: People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
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@Sickayduh: [Phone rings] Babysitter: Hello? Dude: Dont. Go. Upstairs. Babysitter: Wha.. What's upstairs? Dude: NOT MUCH, STAIRS, WHAT'S UP WITH YOU
@simoncholland: 2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.