@DanRegans: People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
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@leechee420: Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let's take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
@huntigula: [interview] BOSS: So you have zero experience? ME: Hire me & I'll give u a sweet nickname B: That's absurd.. ME: Lazerwolf B: Welcome aboard
@ShaneKnowsStuff: The girls I meet in bars have the worst pickup lines. They're like, "Hey, what's your friend's name?" Never works on me ladies.