People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
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If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Yup….perfect score!
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Perfect
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow