@DanRegans: People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
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@NurseMurderer: him: what are you looking for on this dating site? me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
@eliyudin: "WITH OUR POWERS COMBINED!" "EARTH" "WIND" "WATER" "FIRE" "HEART" "SELF-LOATHING" get outta here Eli "SORRY"
@TravLeBlanc: My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
@BillDixonish: If the new Instagram logo makes you upset, wait until you hear about child soldiers in central Africa.