People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
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I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?