[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
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No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Who’s your best friend?
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?