Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
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I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.