People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
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*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
The real reason evolution started..😂
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall