People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
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I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
My five year plan is a meteorite
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
i dont have time for this
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”