@FunnyMojoJojo: People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
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@DomesticGoddss: Me: What's the suite number on that address? 8: It just says "Hashtag 301." Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
@Lakelandr: I've eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
@gorrdano: I'm always ready with my mallet when sewer workers poke their head up from under a manhole.
@Death_Buddy: I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, "dang, someone's already got the murdering covered here"