@mstluvstrinkets: People dating on the internet have it so easy. Back in my day, a man would walk uphill both ways in the snow to disappoint a woman.
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@murrman5: [looking at wife's tombstone] today would've been our anniversary *falls to knees* why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
@envydatropic: You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
@JoleenDoreen: When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, "Thumb War" is not the answer they were looking for.