Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
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Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
A new level of troll.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
going to the ER y’all need anything
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”