Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
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Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
The game has officially changed 😎
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta