People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
You Might Also Like
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Never ghost your hitman.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage